*This blog is a part of the Relationship Analogies series. Like all of my writing, it is generated without the influence of AI.
Partnership: a Cozy Pain in the Ass
Partnership, or committed romantic relationship with a primary partner, is like carrying a couch.
Let's be honest. Couches are a pain in the ass to move.
And... couches are also nice to have. They are comfortable, cozy, and ideally stable. As a pair-bonding species, we are inclined to prefer having a couch to not having a couch, metaphorically speaking.
Your Part vs. My Part
When we're carrying a couch, frequently we feel like we are carrying 80% of the weight. Of course, this isn't true, it's just that couches are very heavy. Like most things worth having, relationships and couch moving both require work.
Acknowledging how much work relationships are as a process can support participating individuals to throw their hearts in without throwing their metaphorical backs out.
When it's time to move a couch, we want to show up prepared. It would be foolish to show up hungry, dehydrated, wearing flip-flops, and say we're ready to lift before we have a firm grip.*
Similarly, each partner has some individual responsibilities to manage to ensure they're up for the task in an ongoing fashion. Now, please understand me here; it's a cultural myth that we have to show up "healed" to be in a relationship. We don't need to have won a bodybuilding contest to move a couch together. And, as we practice, we get stronger. Similarly, we can do a lot of healing within the relationship, and maybe even some kinds of healing that are only possible in a relationship - if we're willing to take responsibility for what we can control.
Our individual responsibilities hinge on knowing what we want, what we need, and communicating our wants and needs in a way that supports our partner to be able to hear us. Rather than barking sharply when our partner didn't read our mind as we turned a corner, it's on us to give our partner a heads-up that we need to shift our grip. The 8 C's and 5 P's from IFS come in handy here. They're tools that help us stay in good form.
Our Part
Is it really worth it? Moving the couch?
Here's where the analogy gets a little wild. You are both building the couch you want as you go. If it doesn't feel like it's worth it, it's time to get serious about how you've constructed the couch to begin with (but that's for another blog).
Committed partnership, if safe, secure, and functional, is good for you. It's a mean ol' world out there, and having a couch to shelter on and someone to share it with can make the experience a whole lot more friendly. It's financially efficient, as well, as one couch is both easier to move with two people as well as cheaper than two couches.
Of course, partnership isn't for everyone, and it's totally fine if you're good moving your own chair. Similearly, this "we're great at moving couches" type of relationship isn't for everyone. Sadly, most relationships end up in a lot of yelling, smashed knuckles, and stubbed toes. Or two chairs near-ish each other. These configurations describe most of partnerships, but not the most fulfilling ones.
The good news is that, if we'd like to be in secure functioning partnership, we understand that we get to decide how we'll opperate as a team. If things aren't going smoothly, we get to ask for a break, take a deep breath, and revise the plan in a way that works for both of us. And try again. Together.
*This analogy is ableist. And it's only an analogy. People who cannot physically participate in moving couches are in no way less capable of participating in meaningful, reciprocal partnership. In PACT, diagnosis of any kind is always a useful explanation, and never an excuse. To extend the analogy, if there is something I'm unable to do in partnership (ex: accurately interpret my partner's face, process spoken language quickly, etc), then we figure out workarounds and accommodations by acknowledging that a limitation in one area is in no way a total limitation. Metaphorically, we might balance the couch on the arms of our wheelchair, or scoot a towel under the couch and slide it. We make the task the problem we need to solve instead of working on (or blaming) each other.